I haven’t been posting. Too much has happened I’m so overwhelmed. I’m glad Taylor got help. I know I would never be able to handle it. Things got really bad today. I haven’t been working out I’m too tired from school and life to do it anymore. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. My grades are dropping. My mom is always mad at me now. And he thinks I’m obbessed with him. I cannot deal with E’s constant whining and crying and complaining. I don’t care if it makes me heartless, I’ve never been and never will be a truly good friend anyways. I’m selfish. I hate everything and I’m wearing my retainers to school tomorrow so I won’t eat. I miss Taylor I can’t deal with everything without being able to talk to her. I got to talk to her last night with Ellie there. I guess we were too hyper and it pissed Tay off. It was probably the first time since Tay has been gone that I’ve actually truly laughed. But that moment has passed and I’m worst then ever. I can feel myself shutting down. I’m hurt that Taylor didn’t tell me anything. She didn’t tell me about any of the events before her mother finding out. But as long as she’s getting better I can get over my petty feelings. I just thought we were supposed to tell each other when things got bad… nope. I found out from E of all people. I feel betrayed. It hurt more than it should have. I’m so scattered right now. I took off my Taylor bracelet. It didn’t feel right to wear it anymore. Without any trust it means nothing to me. If or the first time in a long time, I just want to cry to let it all out. But it won’t.
I haven’t been able to post for a few days. Let’s see, my boyfriend as best friend told their parents about what I’m doing to myself and then they told my mom. My mom came rushing home and took of my socks and cried. I tried explaining everything to her but I can’t it’s so hard. I didn’t go to school an I probably won’t tomorrow and Tuesday until after I see my therapist. Well she took everything that I used from me and I guess that’s a big incentive to stop. My counselor at school knows and the principle too. I’m scared because I want to still but I’m too afraid to do it because m mom will find out. My relationship sucks right now and some of my friendships aren’t the best either. My mom takes my phone and read through my messages so she pretty much has an idea of everything going on in my life and who is having problems and stuff. I’m still banned from my computer.
Well I will be 5 days free of cutting tonight:)
Road to recovery, here I come