I haven’t been able to post for a few days. Let’s see, my boyfriend as best friend told their parents about what I’m doing to myself and then they told my mom. My mom came rushing home and took of my socks and cried. I tried explaining everything to her but I can’t it’s so hard. I didn’t go to school an I probably won’t tomorrow and Tuesday until after I see my therapist. Well she took everything that I used from me and I guess that’s a big incentive to stop. My counselor at school knows and the principle too. I’m scared because I want to still but I’m too afraid to do it because m mom will find out. My relationship sucks right now and some of my friendships aren’t the best either. My mom takes my phone and read through my messages so she pretty much has an idea of everything going on in my life and who is having problems and stuff. I’m still banned from my computer.
Well I will be 5 days free of cutting tonight:)
Road to recovery, here I come
At dinner tonight I sat through my mom, little sister, and my boyfriend bag on me for everything I do wrong. They way I talk, how I’m clumsy, what I would do if this happened, how I try to use big words but it doesn’t work, my failure at trying to speak/understand Spanish… Etc…. They went on and on… And I got tired of laughing it off so I sat there silent and listened to them speak of everything wrong about me. I know they were just being funny but it really got to me and I have no self-esteem now.
To make matters worse my boyfriend laid on the floor for the last half hour he was at my house texting my friends. It’s funny how I trust him with my phone and he doesn’t trust me with his. What’s he hiding? Well anyways I got really annoyed because I just say there on the chair and finally I went and watched tv with my mom. Whatever.
I deserve every cut I gave myself tonight, just listen to my family talk about me and you’ll see why I hate myself
Relapsed tonight. I need to sleep. My mind is filled with terrible things. Im so tired. Im constantly forcing a smile. Im overwhelmed with what my mom expects me to be, and I feel like she expects perfect and I’m not. My grades are bad but she acts like its the end of the world. I’m trying my hardest and I’m slowly getting better.
I want to start exercising more and I want to go vegan. Maybe that will give me something to think about.
One of my closest guy friends told me he was cutting again. I’m pretty sure I either brought it on or gave him the idea. He is pretty hurt and it scares me. He’s a good kid and he doesn’t deserve to be put through that again.
Went to Santa Monica pier today and went to the beach mostly. I wore vans sneakers so I could hid my cuts/scrapes/scars. Then Ellie wanted to take pictures so I put on a smile and we took some cute pictures. And they wanted me to come down to the water and I didn’t want to ruin my shoes so I took them off and my feet are so torn up and ugly an red and scabs and ugh I tried burying them in sand and gettin in the water so no one could see. But it was noticeable an I hate it.
I’m having a bad night. I feel like all these people are making me talk to them and tell them everything and I can’t handle it! I hate pushing people away but I need to or else I get too overwhelmed. And everything is just getting worse. The temptations, how often, an how deep I cut. My mom even noticed today that I looked “depressed” and I had to make up an excuse of why I was sad. I’m so tired. I just want everything to be ok.
I made matching brackets for Steph and I. They are super cute and a reminder to stay strong. It also keeps us connected in a way. And let’s us know that we have each other.
Skipped a day so ill sum it up in one.
So my feet are pretty cut and scraped up. i lost control. But i think im stronger now. Yesterday i looked at life differently. i pretended that it was my last day, because it might have been, and i was happier in a way. i realized how much little things meant to me. i almost cried when we were out getting dinner because an old lady was eating alone and seemed perfectly content, and i, surrounded by my family who loves me, was ready to die. if that lady, eating alone, can sit there happy… so can i. im gonna try my best to be happy by the little things.
tonight was my boyfriends sisters birthday and we went out for dinner to celebrate. we went back to their house and zack and i went to his room and cuddled on his bed like we usually do. i started to have an anxiety attack and busted out in tears. so many things were running through my mind… he doesnt deserve me, he doesnt deserve to be put through this, he is an amazing guy. he told me everything that he loved about me, told me he would be here for me 24/7, told me im his forever and always, told me i make him the happiest guy in the world, told me i was his princess and he doesnt want me to get hurt. he looks at me like im the only girl in the world. he treats me so well. i hate to put him through this. i love him to death but im hurting him. then i had another attack because i thought it would be better for him to not be put through this and hed be better off without me. i thought about those advil again. and i cried and cried and he held me so tight annd let me cry but told me it was ok. he means the world to me and idk what i would do without him. i need to thank him because he saved my life.
i dont think ill be doing any cutting tonight, but i dont feel good at all. tomorrow i need to wake up and fight for a smile because im spending the day with steph, ell, and zack. im gonna be ok, im gonna be happy, im gonna be fine<3
Went to the beach today. My scars and scabs weren’t that noticeable until I got into the cold water and boom they went bright red. I had to try to keep a smile on my face. It was unnatural.
Not wanting to try
Not wanting to stay strong
I feel like I have no reason to
And I merely just don’t want to
Had a relapse tonight.
My feet feel like sand paper from all the scabs and scars, And wet from the fresh cuts
I’m tired of life
I don’t feel like doing anything
I just want to sleep and never have to get up
I can’t focus
I feel like I’m going crazy
Anxiety attacks or panic attacks
Simple things make me go crazy
I organized my closet by color about 3 times today because it was pissing me off. Kept my mind of things for a while. but It only worked for so long
Today was rough. Took all my power not to pick up that pair of scissors. I need to stay strong for tonight because I’m going to the beach tomorrow and I don’t want my mon to find out. I can relax tomorrow amd maybe surf and tan:) I was lazy as heck and didn’t want to do anything today. I was really emotional and got upset by stupid things. I did get new shoes and shirts and that made me happier. I think I realized that the one place I am actually happy and the place I feel safe is when I’m with Zack. I miss him so much and never will I ever give up on him.
I’m pretty sure I skipped a day but we will just call it day 6. So over the weekend I was pretty much ok. I had my ups and downs like normal, but I was constantly around people that I had to stay happy. Tonight it’s all gone south. I’m so sad an moody and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m glad to be home and I just want to lay in my bed all day.
Today I had a headache and jokingly I told my friend I wanted 30 Advil and she flipped out and told me I can only take 2. Then I checked online to see if that was true and I kept reading and it turns out 7 in one day is an over dose, and I got really scared that i would take too many so I don’t take any at all. But now I know how many it’s takes to OD.
I’m so tired. Goodnight
Cheer competition day 1… So tired… My feet hurt… And I want to be home in my own bed. I was happy today. Like abnormal happy when walking to california adventures. Hyper and ecstatic:D we performed very well and hit all of our stunts. So proud of my girls
Today has been a better day. I’ve felt more alive. I only had one small anxiety attack and I don’t think anyone noticed. Tomorrow I leave for cheer competition and I’m scared someone is going to see my cuts and scrapes. I counted them tonight… Approximately 58. I’m purposely “forgetting” my swim suit.
Today was also my 6 month anniversary with Zack and i went over for dinner. I’m always more happy when I’m with him and his family. I feel ok right now. Like I won’t do anything tonight. I’m just so tired. Goodnight
Not wanting to talk to anyone but Stephanie. Ignoring texts and calls. Playing my “Pop Goes Symphonic”.
Today wasnt any better, probably worse. I had panic or anxiety attacks in math, english, and science. I actually had to leave the classroom to calm down. Shaking and tensing up and almost crying. The smallest things bring them on, my teacher pacing, my teacher dropping things, and people whispering.
My mom expects so much from me and my grades are crap right now.
On the bright side i didnt cut last night. ive had the urge tonight though. dont know how much longer i will last. I feel suffocated by all the people telling me to stop. and that its not good. and to call them when i feel sad. i just cant talk to them if they make me feel worse. im losing it.
Today was a bad day, i thought my boyfriend was leaving me, i almost blew up in spanish, and i procrastinated to the max. Ive held up though… so far. but last night i did end up cutting for the 4th night in a row. i get these attacks, where im shaking and i cant do anything and my stomach tightens and i feel like i cant breathe. they only seem to happen when im not busy doing anything, like when im laying in bed alone just thinking. im scared to go to bed because when i get those attacks all i can do is cut and it sort of calms me and makes me know im still alive and i can still feel. but cutting is the last thing i want, yet i feel i need it. like im addicted in a crazy stupid way
Im hurting my friends around me, and my boyfriend, and im hurting myself. i never intended to get them all into this, or to hurt them, or for this to get this bad. i regret everything. I hate myself for all that ive done. im done trying to pretend im happy. and done pretending im ok
Im so glad i have supportive people around me, people to talk to, and a wonderful friend to help keep me in track.
Its a mountain, and we have fallen down it. from here we can only go up. the climb will be hard, but together we can make it. lets go Steph, lets climb this mountain.
Stay strong <3