April 22nd 2012

I haven’t been posting. Too much has happened I’m so overwhelmed. I’m glad Taylor got help. I know I would never be able to handle it. Things got really bad today. I haven’t been working out I’m too tired from school and life to do it anymore. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. My grades are dropping. My mom is always mad at me now. And he thinks I’m obbessed with him. I cannot deal with E’s constant whining and crying and complaining. I don’t care if it makes me heartless, I’ve never been and never will be a truly good friend anyways. I’m selfish. I hate everything and I’m wearing my retainers to school tomorrow so I won’t eat. I miss Taylor I can’t deal with everything without being able to talk to her. I got to talk to her last night with Ellie there. I guess we were too hyper and it pissed Tay off. It was probably the first time since Tay has been gone that I’ve actually truly laughed. But that moment has passed and I’m worst then ever. I can feel myself shutting down. I’m hurt that Taylor didn’t tell me anything. She didn’t tell me about any of the events before her mother finding out. But as long as she’s getting better I can get over my petty feelings. I just thought we were supposed to tell each other when things got bad… nope. I found out from E of all people. I feel betrayed. It hurt more than it should have. I’m so scattered right now. I took off my Taylor bracelet. It didn’t feel right to wear it anymore. Without any trust it means nothing to me. If or the first time in a long time, I just want to cry to let it all out. But it won’t.
Stephanie

 

April 12th 2012

Everything is becoming to much for me. The only time I feel good anymore is when I’m working out. I hate having a crush, it makes me act and feel so stupid.

Stephanie.

 

April 11th 2012

My mom walked by me and made a face of disgust and said “Look at your tummy! Ew!”. I wasn’t in the mood to take her shit. I snapped back that I don’t need her to point it out and that I know it’s there and that I’ve been working out everyday this week. She then said she was just reminding me. I told her that I wouldn’t freaking forget and she said “Whatever, you’re the one that has to live with your body” Then she told me I had a bad attitude problem. I remember why I decided I wasn’t making unnecessary contact with her anymore. I’m skipping Science hw and working out and doing Pilates instead. Thanks for the fucking great motivation mom. I’m not surprised I have a borderline eating disorder.

 

April 8th 2012 

Second day of Pilates for beginners video. I also cut up a lot of fresh veggies and got more almond milk and rice cakes :) I also got a huge pack of gum to help curb my mindless snacking. I tanned for 2 hours. I feel great and healthy. I’m so tired and it’s only 9 ahhhh goodnight
xoxo
Stephanie

 

April 7th 2012

I’ve decided to make a life change. I’m now focusing on my health. I will be strong. My body will be lean and fit. My life will be filled with good people, good thoughts, and good food.
xoxo
Stephanie

 

April 6th 2012

One of my closest guy friends told me he was cutting again. I’m pretty sure I either brought it on or gave him the idea. He is pretty hurt and it scares me. He’s a good kid and he doesn’t deserve to be put through that again.
Went to Santa Monica pier today and went to the beach mostly. I wore vans sneakers so I could hid my cuts/scrapes/scars. Then Ellie wanted to take pictures so I put on a smile and we took some cute pictures. And they wanted me to come down to the water and I didn’t want to ruin my shoes so I took them off and my feet are so torn up and ugly an red and scabs and ugh I tried burying them in sand and gettin in the water so no one could see. But it was noticeable an I hate it.
I’m having a bad night. I feel like all these people are making me talk to them and tell them everything and I can’t handle it! I hate pushing people away but I need to or else I get too overwhelmed. And everything is just getting worse. The temptations, how often, an how deep I cut. My mom even noticed today that I looked “depressed” and I had to make up an excuse of why I was sad. I’m so tired. I just want everything to be ok.
I made matching brackets for Steph and I. They are super cute and a reminder to stay strong. It also keeps us connected in a way. And let’s us know that we have each other.
Forever yours
Taylor

 

April 6th 2012

I decided to start doing by the date instead of the day number.

Anyways, I went to the Santa Monica Pier today. It was really nice, my friends and I ended up spending pretty much our whole time in the beach area though. I kept my shirt on the almost the whole time, while we were taking pictures and such, but Taylor and I wanted to go in to the water so I took it off. I tried not to focus on my disgusting torso. The water was so cold, I could feel my whole body going numb. The waves were pulling and pushing me. Right then and there, I decided the beach was my favorite place in the world. I didn’t care if I didn’t have an amazing beach body, I loved standing in the ocean. As long as I was in the water, my worries faded away. I was truly, truly happy and relaxed. It was so serene and blissful. Once I got home, my buzz was killed when my mom yelled and lectured me venomously. I decided today that I will only tell things to Taylor. I’m closing my big mouth and sealing it just like Mommy dearest wanted. I’m not being around/speaking to my mother unless necessary anymore. I didn’t really eat healthy today, but I’m going to try to not worry about it. I will start fresh tomorrow. I stayed strong today, I didn’t cry as my mom was yelling at me, I just stared at my “Taylor” bracelet, it reminded me to stay strong.

xoxo

Stephanie

 

Day 10

I feel like I over ate today, but don’t I always feel that way? My perspective is too biased to really know the difference anymore. I can’t trust myself to know how much is enough. I felt like I binges today but my stomach aches. I’m excited for tomorrow, tomorrow I will be normal. Tomorrow I will be happy.
xoxo
Stephanie

 

Day 9/10

Skipped a day so ill sum it up in one.

So my feet are pretty cut and scraped up. i lost control. But i think im stronger now. Yesterday i looked at life differently. i pretended that it was my last day, because it might have been, and i was happier in a way. i realized how much little things meant to me. i almost cried when we were out getting dinner because an old lady was eating alone and seemed perfectly content, and i, surrounded by my family who loves me, was ready to die. if that lady, eating alone, can sit there happy… so can i. im gonna try my best to be happy by the little things.
tonight was my boyfriends sisters birthday and we went out for dinner to celebrate. we went back  to their house and zack and i went to his room and cuddled on his bed like we usually do. i started to have an anxiety attack and busted out in tears. so many things were running through my mind… he doesnt deserve me, he doesnt deserve to be put through this, he is an amazing guy. he told me everything that he loved about me, told me he would be here for me 24/7, told me im his forever and always, told me i make him the happiest guy in the world, told me i was his princess and he doesnt want me to get hurt. he looks at me like im the only girl in the world. he treats me so well. i hate to put him through this. i love him to death but im hurting him. then i had another attack because i thought it would be better for him to not be put through this and hed be better off without me. i thought about those advil again. and i cried and cried and he held me so tight annd let me cry but told me it was ok. he means the world to me and idk what i would do without him. i need to thank him because he saved my life.
i dont think ill be doing any cutting tonight, but i dont feel good at all. tomorrow i need to wake up and fight for a smile because im spending the day with steph, ell, and zack. im gonna be ok, im gonna be happy, im gonna be fine<3

forever yours
taylor

 

Day 9

Today was good. I ate more than I liked, but it was a good amount, I guess. I also exercised, I found an ab workout I really liked :) I’m going to try to focus on working out a lot more. I need the distraction. I’m glad I talked toTaylor today and Ellie, I’ve isolated myself the past couple days of spring break, I’m glad I did it, I really needed it. But it’s nice to talk to friends again. No purging, no binging. I can feel a health kick coming on.
xoxo
Stephanie

 

Day 8

I kept track of all I ate but then I ate too much and I forgot to write some things down.
I was on my in place bike for about an hour. I took a bubble bath. I layed in my backyard and tanned. I did not purge. I don’t think purging is something I could do everyday. I’ve noticed I only do it when I am pushed over the edge. Today was wasted.
xoxo
Steph

 

Day 8

Went to the beach today. My scars and scabs weren’t that noticeable until I got into the cold water and boom they went bright red. I had to try to keep a smile on my face. It was unnatural.
Not wanting to try
Not wanting to stay strong
I feel like I have no reason to
And I merely just don’t want to
Had a relapse tonight.
My feet feel like sand paper from all the scabs and scars, And wet from the fresh cuts
I’m tired of life
I don’t feel like doing anything
I just want to sleep and never have to get up
I can’t focus
I feel like I’m going crazy
Anxiety attacks or panic attacks
Simple things make me go crazy
I organized my closet by color about 3 times today because it was pissing me off. Kept my mind of things for a while. but It only worked for so long
Forever yours
Taylor

 

Day 7 

Today was rough. Took all my power not to pick up that pair of scissors. I need to stay strong for tonight because I’m going to the beach tomorrow and I don’t want my mon to find out. I can relax tomorrow amd maybe surf and tan:) I was lazy as heck and didn’t want to do anything today. I was really emotional and got upset by stupid things. I did get new shoes and shirts and that made me happier. I think I realized that the one place I am actually happy and the place I feel safe is when I’m with Zack. I miss him so much and never will I ever give up on him.
Forever yours
Taylor

 

Day 7

2 white cheddar rice cakes (90)

1 oats and honey bar (190)

1 pack of yogurt covered raisins (120)

1/4 red bell pepper

2 slices of turkey

7 baby carrots

2 tablespoons of hummus

3 slices of a cheese quesadilla (small/medium) 3/10

40 pretzel sticks

3 teaspoons of honey

3 small cherry tootsie rolls

1 banana

1 Starbucks Chicken Sausage Breakfast Wrap (300)

Too much, much much too much. Not much got done today. I got waxed, finished reading wintergirls, and worked out a little bit. Tomorrow I will be clean, tomorrow I will eat to live, not live to eat.

xoxo Stephanie

 

Day 6

Too ashamed to talk about yesterday. Today is technically day 7. I skipped because Tay skipped. I have my supplies, I can do this. Rice cakes are my new best friends. Plain bland food. Controlled portions. Reading Wintergirls is either helping or harming me. It gave me the idea for rice cakes though. I have to write a post everyday, no matter how ashamed or tired I am. On the bright side: I finally got another moisturizer after running out, got a cute shirt, got my supplies aka healthy food, my hair feels awesome right now, I feel close to my family and I finally read This Lullaby. I think reading more will keep my mind off of things. I’m scatter brained. Think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts
xoxo
Stephanie