I haven’t been posting. Too much has happened I’m so overwhelmed. I’m glad Taylor got help. I know I would never be able to handle it. Things got really bad today. I haven’t been working out I’m too tired from school and life to do it anymore. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. My grades are dropping. My mom is always mad at me now. And he thinks I’m obbessed with him. I cannot deal with E’s constant whining and crying and complaining. I don’t care if it makes me heartless, I’ve never been and never will be a truly good friend anyways. I’m selfish. I hate everything and I’m wearing my retainers to school tomorrow so I won’t eat. I miss Taylor I can’t deal with everything without being able to talk to her. I got to talk to her last night with Ellie there. I guess we were too hyper and it pissed Tay off. It was probably the first time since Tay has been gone that I’ve actually truly laughed. But that moment has passed and I’m worst then ever. I can feel myself shutting down. I’m hurt that Taylor didn’t tell me anything. She didn’t tell me about any of the events before her mother finding out. But as long as she’s getting better I can get over my petty feelings. I just thought we were supposed to tell each other when things got bad… nope. I found out from E of all people. I feel betrayed. It hurt more than it should have. I’m so scattered right now. I took off my Taylor bracelet. It didn’t feel right to wear it anymore. Without any trust it means nothing to me. If or the first time in a long time, I just want to cry to let it all out. But it won’t.
I still feel guilty with every bite I take. I keep telling myself that I’ll burn it off exercising… but I don’t know what my intake/output is everyday. I feel the weakest when I like someone, the uncertainty of everything. Except the certainty that they don’t like you. I should be glad he probably doesn’t like me. Am I heartless enough to you drag him down with all my shit? Whatever, he likes Chelsea. Who wouldn’t? Even my friend made a point of telling me allll the reasons shes better than me. Great. I don’t want to purge. I almost last night when I ate too much froyo… but I did pliates, yoga and various exercises instead. The only time I feel good anymore is when I work out.
Everything is becoming to much for me. The only time I feel good anymore is when I’m working out. I hate having a crush, it makes me act and feel so stupid.
My mom walked by me and made a face of disgust and said “Look at your tummy! Ew!”. I wasn’t in the mood to take her shit. I snapped back that I don’t need her to point it out and that I know it’s there and that I’ve been working out everyday this week. She then said she was just reminding me. I told her that I wouldn’t freaking forget and she said “Whatever, you’re the one that has to live with your body” Then she told me I had a bad attitude problem. I remember why I decided I wasn’t making unnecessary contact with her anymore. I’m skipping Science hw and working out and doing Pilates instead. Thanks for the fucking great motivation mom. I’m not surprised I have a borderline eating disorder.
Second day of Pilates for beginners video. I also cut up a lot of fresh veggies and got more almond milk and rice cakes :) I also got a huge pack of gum to help curb my mindless snacking. I tanned for 2 hours. I feel great and healthy. I’m so tired and it’s only 9 ahhhh goodnight
I’ve decided to make a life change. I’m now focusing on my health. I will be strong. My body will be lean and fit. My life will be filled with good people, good thoughts, and good food.
I decided to start doing by the date instead of the day number.
Anyways, I went to the Santa Monica Pier today. It was really nice, my friends and I ended up spending pretty much our whole time in the beach area though. I kept my shirt on the almost the whole time, while we were taking pictures and such, but Taylor and I wanted to go in to the water so I took it off. I tried not to focus on my disgusting torso. The water was so cold, I could feel my whole body going numb. The waves were pulling and pushing me. Right then and there, I decided the beach was my favorite place in the world. I didn’t care if I didn’t have an amazing beach body, I loved standing in the ocean. As long as I was in the water, my worries faded away. I was truly, truly happy and relaxed. It was so serene and blissful. Once I got home, my buzz was killed when my mom yelled and lectured me venomously. I decided today that I will only tell things to Taylor. I’m closing my big mouth and sealing it just like Mommy dearest wanted. I’m not being around/speaking to my mother unless necessary anymore. I didn’t really eat healthy today, but I’m going to try to not worry about it. I will start fresh tomorrow. I stayed strong today, I didn’t cry as my mom was yelling at me, I just stared at my “Taylor” bracelet, it reminded me to stay strong.
I feel like I over ate today, but don’t I always feel that way? My perspective is too biased to really know the difference anymore. I can’t trust myself to know how much is enough. I felt like I binges today but my stomach aches. I’m excited for tomorrow, tomorrow I will be normal. Tomorrow I will be happy.
Today was good. I ate more than I liked, but it was a good amount, I guess. I also exercised, I found an ab workout I really liked :) I’m going to try to focus on working out a lot more. I need the distraction. I’m glad I talked toTaylor today and Ellie, I’ve isolated myself the past couple days of spring break, I’m glad I did it, I really needed it. But it’s nice to talk to friends again. No purging, no binging. I can feel a health kick coming on.
I kept track of all I ate but then I ate too much and I forgot to write some things down.
I was on my in place bike for about an hour. I took a bubble bath. I layed in my backyard and tanned. I did not purge. I don’t think purging is something I could do everyday. I’ve noticed I only do it when I am pushed over the edge. Today was wasted.
2 white cheddar rice cakes (90)
1 oats and honey bar (190)
1 pack of yogurt covered raisins (120)
1/4 red bell pepper
2 slices of turkey
7 baby carrots
2 tablespoons of hummus
3 slices of a cheese quesadilla (small/medium) 3/10
40 pretzel sticks
3 teaspoons of honey
3 small cherry tootsie rolls
1 Starbucks Chicken Sausage Breakfast Wrap (300)
Too much, much much too much. Not much got done today. I got waxed, finished reading wintergirls, and worked out a little bit. Tomorrow I will be clean, tomorrow I will eat to live, not live to eat.
Too ashamed to talk about yesterday. Today is technically day 7. I skipped because Tay skipped. I have my supplies, I can do this. Rice cakes are my new best friends. Plain bland food. Controlled portions. Reading Wintergirls is either helping or harming me. It gave me the idea for rice cakes though. I have to write a post everyday, no matter how ashamed or tired I am. On the bright side: I finally got another moisturizer after running out, got a cute shirt, got my supplies aka healthy food, my hair feels awesome right now, I feel close to my family and I finally read This Lullaby. I think reading more will keep my mind off of things. I’m scatter brained. Think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts
I was weak. Then I was strong. I managed to eat very little. Then I ate a little too much. I went crazy. In front of Amy. I was curled up on my bed in tears. Pulling at my hair. I don’t think she realized the extent my meltdown, and I’m grateful for that. I calmly walked out of my room, my hands where shaking but Amy never notices things like that. I purged. Not a lot, two little times. I barely got anything out but it make me feel better. I felt stronger. Tomorrow will be a new day.